Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

Simon sez:
What's the difference between erotic & kinky?
Erotic is a feather, kinky is the whole fucken' chicken.

~~ You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - Steven Wright ~~

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Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

Adam has this funny little habit of climbing into bed with me when I am resting and snuggling down to chat confidentially. Actually, Adam has a lot of funny little habits; this is defintely one of his better ones.

So tonight after dinner, he comes and hops in and snuggles down and comments on the moon shining in the window; the planets; the fact that it's not the stars turning, you know, it's our world, but we just don't notice it; did I think it would be neat driving a train?; wasn't it quiet... lots of bits of trivia like that. Then he started reciting his favourite lines from LOTR - The Two Towers, wee snippets in his most Gollumish voice; "Fat, stupid Hobbit" and then a good Samwise impersonation with "Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew", accompanied by lots of snuffling and giggling until he realised I hadn't said anything yet and he made the comment that he "should just shut up now, huh".

Then I cracked up laughing.

Everything else might have gone to Hell in a Handcart in this house, but at least we still take the piss out of each other and have a hoot doing it.

He has a twisted sense of humour, my son. I don't know who he gets it from though. We hired one of Billy Connolly's dvds last week, with 2 hours of his classic stuff spanning many years. After an initial time learning to shut up and actually listen, Adam decided he liked the humour.

My father hates Billy Connolly, he says he is a crude bugger. I, however love Billy Connolly. One of my favourites is his "What women want/women's demands" piece. It goes like this... do your own scottish accent, ok?

"What women want.
Give me things.
Do things to me.
Do exotic things and plenty of them.
Tonight, I think I'll have multiple orgasms. Go for it my boy, plenty of orgasms and I'll tell you when to stop.

The women's movement.
We want this and that.
We demand a share in that and most of that, some of this and fucking all of that.
Less of that and more of this, and fucking plenty of this.
And another thing, we want it now.
I want it yesterday and I want fucking more tomorrow and the demands will all be changed then, so fucking stay awake..."

Who can argue with that? Not me.

~~ Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit - Billy Connolly ~~

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Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

Oh, that feeling of ecstacy, of utter and overwhelming pleasure that lifts you to the heights of WOW, makes you moan and dribble and then gently drops you back down again to a feeling of complete satiation... it doesn't happen that way every time, but oh the wondrous release when it does.

You know what I mean, when you find someone to scratch that spot in the middle of your back that is driving you mad itching and is just out of reach by ordinary, self-administered methods. Ooooooooh that's so yummy, positively orgasmic, even :-)

I watch the dog, you know. She has a spot of skin irritation on her tail and she also has a few fleas. She can't reach that spot to bite or scratch and the fleas know it; they congregate there and turn her into "Nushka, The Amazing Whirly-Dog". It's so funny to watch (only cos it's not me). It sort of makes you wonder who the mongrel really was wot designed us so that we would have areas of our bodies that we can't reach, especially when those areas are the ones that get the killer itch that must be dealt with RIGHT NOW.

Cats have it sweet - they reckon there isn't a spot on a cat's body that they can't reach by licking or scratching. What makes them so bloody special, hmmm??

I'm gonna be a cat in my next life, I bloody well am. They get to lie around all day, eat whenever they feel like catching something if it's not a designated meal time yet, curl up on a warm lap in winter and snooze out in the garden all summer, their superiority is irrefutable, they never seem to get bored and best of all they can scratch ANYWHERE that's itchy.

OK, so pigs supposedly have 30 minute orgasms, but I still think I'd rather be a cat. They don't eat cats, well not that sort :-P

Simon Sez:
What's the difference between a goldfish & a mountain goat?
A goldfish mucks around in fountains.

~~ Dogs have owners. Cats have staff ~~

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Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

I love power, yes I do. I especially love it when it's working, as opposed to having a blackout like we did tonight.

Scenario: typical family evening, its almost dark outside, the kids are watching TV and squabbling, Mum is sitting at the computer reading a message board somewhere and checking her email, chatting on Messenger and playing computer games (all at the same time, I might add. For effective multitasking, it takes a woman... can you say "Linux"?). Dinner is over. The milk has just finished thawing in the microwave, the dog tucker is awaiting its turn on the turntable and the jug has just boiled. Domestic trivia at it's most domestically trivial.

Then, everything stops. This is followed by a loud bang with a rolling echo across the valley.

No lights, no TV, no microwave, no jug, no computer.

NO COMPUTER!!

Shit.

So, Adam lights a few thousand candles and drags his doodle pad and felt tips up onto the dining table, and both kids proceed to colour in quietly and amicably together. A gas hob and a pot of water replace the electric jug. Mum is sitting in the lounge with a candle and reading a book, the closest thing to a computer-substitute she can find. Then Adam decides to sit on the beanbag and talk for a while.

A Family is reborn.

What's wrong with this picture?

If you take away all the modern electronic gear, people miss it horribly but seem to acclimatise fairly rapidly. Well, they seem to if they have alternative tools for leisure already in their environment and kids can accommodate change really fast. We had time to discuss how things must have been in the "Olden Days" and how people amused themselves with only the entertainment they could manufacture available. I also explained how back in the old days, people were up and working at first light and went to bed when it got dark. No wonder they had so many kids - they had to do something to while away the hours.

Who really needs all that electonic gadget crap and electricity any way? Well, I do - how could I waffle this crap for you to read without it, hmmm? But maybe we just don't need it as much as we think we do.

Shari wandered over from next door about half an hour after everything snuffed out and said that Miss Kaitlyn, who is nearly 3, was all excited at the party atmosphere created by candles burning and wanted to know where the birthday cake was.

Truly, a girl after my own heart.

~~ More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. ~~

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Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

When Adam was a little guy, he had a real "thing" for watching cooking programmes on TV. He also loved the cooking equipment infomercials because they were all about food, too. As he got older and could walk and talk, he still watched them and occasionally he would say "Mum, buy one of those for cooking dinner". One year, he even asked for some cooking thingy off an infomercial for his birthday and was told it wasn't likely to happen, not in this solar system. Now, at 10, he still loves cooking shows, still wants the cooking gadgets and loves mucking about in the kitchen and cooking meals.

But wait, there's more....

I didn't think that people really bought that stuff... I mean, how many ways are there to grate some cheese or slice a tomato? And by the time you took into consideration the getting-out-of-the-gadget-and-the-rinsing-afterwards-of-the-gadget-and-the-putting-away-of-the-gadget, I always thought that it just might be quicker to use a hand grater and a knife.

Not so.

We visited a friend the other day, and while lunch was being prepared for us, I got to see a couple of these gadgets at work in their native environment - in a bloke's kitchen.

You see, I know now who buys these things - MEN do. I can't understand why I never saw it before, cos it really makes perfect sense and explains why they always have a man in charge of the gadgets on the infomercials, too. It's a tool, it performs a specific task, it needs care and attention to remain in good shape and always has a knack to using it that only a bloke would be expected to know and so a woman shouldn't fuck with what she can't possibly understand.

I guess that's why I went into IT, kitchen gadgets are far too complex for a mere woman compared with computers, so I shall leave them to "Capto Fermentum" to use. That means he does the cooking.

Always a silver lining hidden somewhere under the crusts and banana skins, isn't there?

The tomato slicer was actually surprisingly good... maybe I should get Adam one.

~~ Next time you wave, use all your fingers ~~

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