Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

It's Rugby World Cup time again.... and the All Blacks are off expending large doses of testosterone and machissmo on the paddock in an attempt to prove their superiority again, seeing as how they could only do it once before. And whilst New Zealand Rugby fans would love to see them cream the Poms and grind the Sth Africans into dust, the urge to anihiliate the Australians is something we drink in with our mother's milk.

So even though I don't have any particular beef with Australians and have no use for rugby as a game, I feel it's fitting to drop a good Kiwi rugby joke into my ramblings, especially as the Pope is down to three words per audience and sinking...

Gone Fishing
On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing an AUSTRALIAN rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.

As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing ALL BLACK rugby jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious AUSSIE fan from the water. Then, using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and NZ rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "who was that?"

"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and His wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?

~~ "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you!"~~

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Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

Our bitch finally came on heat yesterday, enough for a mating. For months, the wee trollop has been parading and sashaying around the dogs, waggling her sexy bitch hips in their faces and generally displaying her best features. But when the time comes to deliver the goods, she doesn't want to KNOW about any old dog having his wicked way with her. The way she behaves, anyone would think her 2 previous litters were virgin births.

What a tease.

So, after dinner last night, we trotted off up to the farm to "assist" with the procreation process of the shar pei stud bitch. What a fucking performance. Literally.

Shari held her front end, I lifted and held up her back end while Deb helped Matey do his bit from behind and Adam wandered around with eyes big as saucers. Forget menage a trois, this was a full on orgy with standing room only and tickets at the door. Then we repeated the process this afternoon, just to make sure she gets a nice fat bellyful of paws.

Now, I don't know about you, but I had never really seen doggy style actually practiced by dogs before... so it was a bit of a learning curve for me. But it was an even bigger curve for the kids, especially Adam. He is just blown away by it. I mean, he already has a fixation with the concept of sex and he never misses an opportunity to bring it into the conversation if he can possibly find an opening for it, but now he has FACTS and KNOWLEDGE, not to mention some practical observational experience (as he so amply demonstrated at dinner with Colin's family tonight) as a fledgling voyeur to stand him in good stead and offer an air of authority to his utterings. God help us. He was giggling and telling Heather what Matey was going to do to Nushie and how he was going to do it and seemed to think that this was something peculiar to dogs. So I enlightened him by saying that all animals did it pretty much the same way. He said "even people? Are we animals, too?" And I said that we did too, and we were about the only species that does it for pleasure and not solely for procreation. Well, he shut up in a big hurry while he chewed that bit of info over.

But what I really learnt today was that I have no desire to be a breeder of animals and have to poke and prod and hold their "bits" whilst they copulate. I have no interest in the artificial insemination of animals (especially the task of collecting the specimens), and the thought of being a zoo keeper and dealing with big animals, well, I won't even go there. I'm quite happy to stick with the human version, thanks very much. I thought that Nature had it all sorted out, that instinct told them what to put and where to put it, when the right time was and made sure that they actually liked each other enough to do the wild thing. But shit, if it was left up to Nature these highly-bred dogs would be extinct from the sheer inability to have sex without human help. After all, someone had to stop her trying to rip his throat out.

Mind you, I have no doubt that if Nushie had got out and gone roaming across the bridge, she would have managed all by herself, no problem at all.

~~ Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later ~~

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Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

Mouths suck. They really do. If something is gonna hurt in a really annoying and nagging way, it's going to be in the mouth. Every bloody time. If you look at babies and small kids when they are teething, they look miserable, don't they? All dribbly and red-cheeked and gnashing their poor swollen gums in an attempt to find relief. Ever had a really bad toothache? Or even a not-so-bad toothache? Bitten the inside of your cheek or your tongue? Burnt your lip? Been whacked in the chops?

Hurts, huh.

I've got this little, tiny mouth ulcer on the back of my tongue and the world is coming to an end. Adam said I should paint some foul red stuff on it that numbs it (he knows more about what's in both the pantry AND the medicine cabinet than I do) but I don't want to. Just the thought of playing tonsil-hockey with a cotton bud back there makes me want to hurl.

I'm not good at putting foreign objects in my mouth.

I gotta be in the right mood and there is nothing sexy about shoving sticky, smelly red cotton buds halfway down ya throat.

Nothing.

Just thought I would mention that.

~~ I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory ~~

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