Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

Our bitch finally came on heat yesterday, enough for a mating. For months, the wee trollop has been parading and sashaying around the dogs, waggling her sexy bitch hips in their faces and generally displaying her best features. But when the time comes to deliver the goods, she doesn't want to KNOW about any old dog having his wicked way with her. The way she behaves, anyone would think her 2 previous litters were virgin births.

What a tease.

So, after dinner last night, we trotted off up to the farm to "assist" with the procreation process of the shar pei stud bitch. What a fucking performance. Literally.

Shari held her front end, I lifted and held up her back end while Deb helped Matey do his bit from behind and Adam wandered around with eyes big as saucers. Forget menage a trois, this was a full on orgy with standing room only and tickets at the door. Then we repeated the process this afternoon, just to make sure she gets a nice fat bellyful of paws.

Now, I don't know about you, but I had never really seen doggy style actually practiced by dogs before... so it was a bit of a learning curve for me. But it was an even bigger curve for the kids, especially Adam. He is just blown away by it. I mean, he already has a fixation with the concept of sex and he never misses an opportunity to bring it into the conversation if he can possibly find an opening for it, but now he has FACTS and KNOWLEDGE, not to mention some practical observational experience (as he so amply demonstrated at dinner with Colin's family tonight) as a fledgling voyeur to stand him in good stead and offer an air of authority to his utterings. God help us. He was giggling and telling Heather what Matey was going to do to Nushie and how he was going to do it and seemed to think that this was something peculiar to dogs. So I enlightened him by saying that all animals did it pretty much the same way. He said "even people? Are we animals, too?" And I said that we did too, and we were about the only species that does it for pleasure and not solely for procreation. Well, he shut up in a big hurry while he chewed that bit of info over.

But what I really learnt today was that I have no desire to be a breeder of animals and have to poke and prod and hold their "bits" whilst they copulate. I have no interest in the artificial insemination of animals (especially the task of collecting the specimens), and the thought of being a zoo keeper and dealing with big animals, well, I won't even go there. I'm quite happy to stick with the human version, thanks very much. I thought that Nature had it all sorted out, that instinct told them what to put and where to put it, when the right time was and made sure that they actually liked each other enough to do the wild thing. But shit, if it was left up to Nature these highly-bred dogs would be extinct from the sheer inability to have sex without human help. After all, someone had to stop her trying to rip his throat out.

Mind you, I have no doubt that if Nushie had got out and gone roaming across the bridge, she would have managed all by herself, no problem at all.

~~ Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later ~~

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Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

Mouths suck. They really do. If something is gonna hurt in a really annoying and nagging way, it's going to be in the mouth. Every bloody time. If you look at babies and small kids when they are teething, they look miserable, don't they? All dribbly and red-cheeked and gnashing their poor swollen gums in an attempt to find relief. Ever had a really bad toothache? Or even a not-so-bad toothache? Bitten the inside of your cheek or your tongue? Burnt your lip? Been whacked in the chops?

Hurts, huh.

I've got this little, tiny mouth ulcer on the back of my tongue and the world is coming to an end. Adam said I should paint some foul red stuff on it that numbs it (he knows more about what's in both the pantry AND the medicine cabinet than I do) but I don't want to. Just the thought of playing tonsil-hockey with a cotton bud back there makes me want to hurl.

I'm not good at putting foreign objects in my mouth.

I gotta be in the right mood and there is nothing sexy about shoving sticky, smelly red cotton buds halfway down ya throat.

Nothing.

Just thought I would mention that.

~~ I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory ~~

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Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

I have a cold, an ordinary cold. I don't know why they call it a cold, cos I'm not bloody cold, I'm HOT, dammit! But those that need to already know what a hottie I am... hehe

Our dog is on heat so she is up at the farm. We have another shar pei here, having a holiday at the Adams Family Holiday Home for Country Dogs. Since arriving here on Saturday, she has discovered the joys of beds, TV, riding in cars, couches, chairs, carpet, music, being chatted to all the time and a stream of strangers parading through the house. She seems to like it. I wish she wasn't so fond of MY bed though; by the time the kitten gets in there and the dog, there isn't a lot of room left for Moi to recline in a graceful pose. I look more like a fat version of a poor man's pretzel all twisted up in a knot.

It's not a pretty sight, if you know what I mean.

I think I will go throw everyone out of my bed and reclaim my space... and have my hot cold in peace.

Bugger the chemo, it makes everyday life such a drama. I would rather get to choose a more exotic form of drama that doesn't have the word "common" in it, thanks :-)

"Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold." - Jerry Vale

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Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

In my mail today...

Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
(Read this aloud, if you can!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
And the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your
icons in the window are as wavy as a souse Then you may as well reboot
and go out with a bang, 'Cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna
hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
And the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!


~~ The day Microsoft doesn't suck will be the day they produce vacuum cleaners ~~

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